For Menopausal Women Only: Why a Black Golf Skort is My New Best Friend

With apologies to my actual human BFFs, a black golf skort gives me everything I need in a companion. My daily uniform is reliable, super-forgiving and no matter what, it never fails to cover my ass. 

I am warning you. This post is not for the faint-of-heart. If you are squeamish, under the age of 45, or unfamiliar with basic human biology, turn back now.

If, on the other hand, you are surprised every few weeks by a brand-new variation on a hormonal theme, read on. If you are careening toward what Amy Schumer and the girls call our "Last F***able Day," lemme tell you all about my new best pal.

1. A black golf skort is reliable.

As the Stones sing, "What a drag it is getting old." There is so much I love about my later forties (wisdom, perspective, a socially acceptable I-don't-give-a-damn attitude), but every day is a fresh new hell. As if living amongst capricious teenagers and their agitated fathers weren't enough, our bodies keep showing unexpected little chinks in the armor of youth and vitality.

You can count on a good skort. It will make you feel comfortable and supported, without restricting you or pinching your skin. It will support you in more abstract ways, too. It's like an affable girlfriend in your closet, telling you how fantastic you look, helping you put great outfits together. The black skort goes with everything and gets along with everyone. It mingles well, like a great party guest--never drawing attention to itself, making everyone else look fabulous--always appropriate, never flashy.

Because I no longer know what's going to happen with my body, I take comfort in the reliability and consistency of my wardrobe. My period may come at any time, last for any number of days (or even weeks), accompanied by a never-ending host of other bodily delights. My breasts might swell and hurt more than they did when I nursed my babies. Or they may not. I may have searing cramps or migraines or inexplicable crying jags. Or not. Hot-flashes, night-sweats, swollen ankles, numbness in strange places . . . I just never know what each day may bring. I do, however, know what I'm going to wear and how I'm going to look and I really don't worry about that anymore. My good old friend the skort has been quite a comfort during these uncertain times.

2. A black golf skort is super-forgiving.

Not that I'd know personally, but in a black skort, you can spill coffee directly into your lap and not have to change for your meeting. The best golf skorts are made of some space-age gossamer that breathes, dries quickly and is almost impervious to stains. Practically anything you drop will wipe right off (please note: it's not magic--acrylic paints, epoxies and open flame will cause permanent damage). A skort forgives you for being in a hurry or trying to multi-task or for just being a walking disaster. I love that in a friend.

A skort also forgives you and your endocrines for your natural (sometimes, super-natural) variations in size. Many of us at this age fluctuate in the mid-section during the course of a month. The skort--with its cushy elasticity--will never tell. It moves with you, effortlessly accommodating your shape, never judging, never pointing out the obvious. (Honestly, I'd have to gain or lose a good 15 pounds before really needing a new size.)

3. A skort covers your ass, no matter what.

We don't talk about the details, but here's the truth, Ladies: everything leading up to menopause is (quite literally) a bloody mess. Perhaps you've been there yourself; I know I'm not alone. Otherwise, consider this fair warning for what may be ahead. Usually, it happens in some bathroom stall, often at an event at which you are having a perfectly good time. You duck into the ladies' room to freshen-up,  and your evening takes a ghastly turn.

With the efficiency and detachment of an old pro, you clean up what looks awfully like a murder scene. You take a few deep breaths and convince yourself you are not, in fact, hemorrhaging or dying. You consult the electronic period-tracker on your phone to confirm just how unexpected the timing is. You might check in with Dr. Google, too, who assures you clots the size of golf balls are perfectly normal. And then--especially if you are wearing light colors--you start planning your escape, careful to map a route that keeps your backside hidden from public view.

A black skort will not shield you from such nastiness, but it will shield you from total humiliation better than most clothing. First of all, it is black, of course. It is also two layers of fabric, even if you opt to go commando. And in the most dire circumstances, the quick-dry feature of the golf skort might be most important. It may indeed be possible, with sink and electric hand-dryer, to do a quick load of laundry right there on the spot. (Unlikely, I know, but nice to have the option in case the floodgates open right before a big presentation or your kid's graduation ceremony.)

Yes, my buddy the black skort covers my ass in many ways. For modesty (because leggings are not pants) and self-respect (because no one needs to know what horrors we face before we put on a brave smile and face the world) and actual coverage when life gets messy, I can count on the skort to protect me. You can see why I'm a devoted friend and admirer.